Love & Life Single-dom

5 Questions To Ask Before Contacting An Old Flame

In Season 1 of “Hit the Floor,” a slew of relationships fell apart as countless new flings ignited.

And in Season 2, we certainly expect more hot flings to emerge, perhaps some between old lovers. We’ll have to watch Hit The Floor to find out!

In the meantime, let’s talk about you.

Are you or have you ever considered getting back with an old flame?

Chances are, you probably thought about it. Well, you’re not alone! Sixty-two percent of us would consider getting back together with a former lover.

But before you go texting or Facebook messaging your ex, here are four questions to ask yourself before pulling out that little black book.

old flame

Photo Source: VH1

1. Is your ex dating someone new?

If he or she is dating someone else, then it is possible that your attempt to get back with your former partner is a selfish attempt to reclaim what you see has slipped away.

Any attempt to stand between your old flame and his new love interest is selfish (and reeks of desperation).

It’s time to move on. 

2. Are you separating fantasy from reality?

Okay, so your ex is not seeing anyone seriously, and is technically available. Maybe you two are still friends. But it’s time to separate the daydreams from the hard, cold facts.

  • Was he emotionally unavailable?
  • Did she cheat on you?
  • Was the distance too much of a burden?

While there might have been some truly wonderful aspects of your relationship, there was a reason why you broke up. Be honest about those facts, and recognize that they probably won’t change. Read these lessons in love to help you decide.




3. Are you really just feeling lonely?

If you’re trying to get back with your old flame, and there was a solid reason for the breakup, then it’s a possibility that your longing for him or her is actually a reflection of loneliness.

Loneliness is nothing to be ashamed of.

Psychologist John T. Cacioppo explains that feeling lonely is a cognitive signal that your social needs are not being properly met. Prolonged isolation can lead to cognitive impairment and emotional distress. Human beings are mammals. As a result, we need compassionate relationships to function properly.

If you live alone, perhaps it’s time to get a roommate. Or if you have not dated, maybe it’s time to set up a profile on a dating site.

More on KimberlyElise.com: Life Coach Kevin A. Johnson shares 5 Conscious Dating Tips Here.

If you want to get back with a partner because of loneliness, recognize that there is a real reason why you broke up. And taking an ex back might not be the best way to solve the deeper issue in your life.

4. Have you spent enough time working on yourself?

When you say goodbye to an important figure in your life, you lose an important part of your identity.

Now it’s time to build a new you. You are finally free to reconstruct your sense of self, and build the kind of life that you want. No need to make compromises! On the nights that you spent in with your ex, you are now free to go to the gym. Those long hours you spent with your ex on the weekends can be dedicated to your hobbies.

In time, a newer, upgraded you shall emerge.

old flame

5. Have you listened to their side?

If you’ve taken the steps to ensure that your attempt to get back with an ex is not an act of dependency or insecurity, and you sincerely feel that your relationship is not over, then perhaps it is worth a conversation with your ex.

Listen to his or her side.

See if he or she is sincerely ready to move into a new space with you, not a repetition of the past.

And if you need some advice, here are five signs that your love is meant to be.

Have you ever contacted an old flame and started up a relationship? What happened? Share with us in the comments!

Tune in to Season 2 of Hit the Floor to find out how old flames and new romances play out in the Devil’s arena.

Images Source: VH1




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19 Comments

  • Reply
    Steveon
    July 6, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    If only I had thought about these five questions back in 2006. Before moving to Germany

  • Reply
    His little headache
    June 20, 2014 at 9:27 am

    Yes, I am in the midst of going through a re-connection now. While it is always hard to bury the past I learned that the only way to start new is to forgive each other. We both made mistakes, I am not perfect. I left because I needed to work on me and I also wanted him to know what he was taking advantage of. We had not seen or talked to each other in a very long time but we both realized that love like ours you can’t go out and find. We have our issues as every one does, but instead of taking it out on each other (like before) we have been working through it. One step at a time. Not worried about titles and moving in just about building a strong us. My best advice is go slow! No nookie, no labels, no bringing up the past. Build on your friendship and if it does end up as your happily ever after its because you rolled up your sleeves and did the dirty work.

  • Reply
    lovenotes
    June 19, 2014 at 10:07 pm

    I don’t agree that if you contact an old flame and he/she is with a new interest you look desperate or selfish if you pursue; because as long as the person is unmarried he/she is single. If they are in another relationship and happy then they should relay that information, and/or you should get that part straight before you pursue a relationship with them. However, it is best to go for what you want and then if that person is not interested on that level anymore than you move on.

    Not to say start a problem but you don’t owe his love interest anything and if you still have feelings for the person then why not see if you can rekindle, restart or reconcile because that might be your soulmate.

  • Reply
    TheLonging
    June 19, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    These 5points are very valid. I had the fortune of trying to reconnect with two of my previous experiences. Both of them and up exactly where to started, nowhere.
    It’s important to keep in mind why the relationship ended as much as the feeling, that good feeling makes you feel when you’re with them. All of those things that were not working in the previous situation will not work in the current. Don’t allow someone to become your drug of choice. Heal yourself and MoveOn.

  • Reply
    Sonette Alexis
    June 19, 2014 at 11:22 am

    After about 25 years my ex and I reconnected. It wasn’t hard because deep in our hearts the flame still burned. I know him. He is that gentle, kind and respective person and I never forgot that. I was the one who walked away because we were young and I was still searching. We both went through terrible breakups and these experiences had shaped our lives and brought out the beauty in us instead of bitterness. I prayed and asked God to send me that someone who will love me like He (God) would, and He was praying for the same thing. I wanted a man who would love God and he wanted a woman of the same mind and so here we are. Two minds as one, finally.

  • Reply
    Mims
    June 19, 2014 at 11:10 am

    I needed this. Thanks for posting.

  • Reply
    gina
    June 19, 2014 at 10:47 am

    I recently connected with an old love but quickly realized the 1 thing we had in common was sex and I decided this time around to not put myself thru that. As he realized I didn’t want to have sex and just wanted up hang out he quickly threw in the towel and I’m ok with that. It took me almost 2 years to find myself and love myself as a whole and to not be used for just sex. So I was proud that I didn’t leave any room for error on my part.

  • Reply
    Michelle (@mochmouse)
    June 4, 2014 at 9:48 am

    This was such a good read. I remember being that person, the person who wanted my ex back after all the drama. For the first few dates it felt like, hmmmm maybe this is a possibility. But then I couldn’t help but remember the whys. Yes, he might have changed but it wouldn’t be right for me to hold his past against him. Of course, we try our best to forgive and forget but I made this decision for myself. We can be friends but nothing more. I am someone who gives everyone a fair chance and treat everyone fair as I expect to be treated fairly. I am very honest and direct. So I decided that it was not a good idea to move forward with reconnecting. I needed to be fair to myself and fair to him. I can’t be with someone who I don’t trust, its pointless to me. I am a firm believer in listening to self and self was not liking the direction I was headed.

  • Reply
    lissa
    May 23, 2014 at 9:31 pm

    I recently connected with my ex . Broke up with him because of his behavior and his tantrums he has. He is a great loving caring guy and might I add handsome so I reached out to him thru email since then we have been tslking and truly considering marriage love him and he loves me and I like to think that’s all that matters but I know better . He says he is ready but I dont think he is what should I do?

  • Reply
    Tessa Fannoh
    May 20, 2014 at 10:05 am

    Nice words,thank you.

  • Reply
    Extra-passionate
    May 15, 2014 at 5:34 pm

    Hi, i recently reconnect with an old flame. In fact, until now, we were just getting to know each other. I love his personality, sense of humour, and i how i am comfortable with him. However, he doesn’t believe in God and he smokes. Am I fooling myself for thinking that this could work?

    • Reply
      Kimberly Elise
      May 16, 2014 at 9:25 am

      Extra-passionate,

      People will always show you who they are at the beginning (or re-ignition) of your relationship. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you can change someone because you absolutely can not. If a belief in God and a smoking habit don’t fit in your life, honestly communicate that and watch his reaction. He’ll either promise a change, be indifferent, or flat out tell you that he’s happy without any changes. Listen to your gut for what to do next.

      -Team Kimberly

  • Reply
    Semaj Debose
    May 15, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    Excited pete and sloane in season 2 hit the floor

    • Reply
      Kimberly Elise
      May 16, 2014 at 9:26 am

      Semaj Debose,

      Woo!!! I’m excited too 🙂

      Love, Kimberly

  • Reply
    Mia
    May 15, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    After nearly 10years in a abusive marriage and a brood of children later I have had the strength to leave my husband.
    I’ve bee in contact with my first love from 16years ago.
    Its the first time in awhile I’ve been so happy doing something for me. We have a plan to date for at least a year without involving our children.
    Its the history and the friendship that makes this love so sweet.

    • Reply
      Kimberly Elise
      May 16, 2014 at 9:28 am

      Mia,

      Congratulations lady!! You are a BRAVE and STRONG woman! Keep focusing all that positive energy on yourself and the people & things you love 🙂

      Love, Kimberly

  • Reply
    Ieshia
    May 14, 2014 at 9:40 am

    My ex from my years in high school (from 2005) have realized we still love each other. Our love for each other has been around all this time of talking on and off for the past 9 years. We realized there’s no one else out there for us and that we were meant to be all these years. We meet soon and would like to keep you posted.

    • Reply
      Kimberly Elise
      May 15, 2014 at 8:29 am

      Woooow! First love hits hard! Good luck – Team Kimberly

  • Reply
    MM
    May 14, 2014 at 8:56 am

    I recently reconnected with an ex-boyfriend from high school. When we broke up, there wasn’t a fight or someone saying it’s over, we just drifted apart. Because I am friends with his sister, over the years we’ve asked about each other through her. I saw him once about 15 years ago. He was married and so was I.

    In December of last year, his sister told me he was looking for me, and if it was okay to give him my number. We’ve been talking/seeing each other since then. He does live in another town and makes it difficult to see each other like we’d like to. We talk just about everyday and visit as schedules permit.

    There’s always been something between us that’s never gone away. Doesn’t seem to be doing that now, but I take it one day at a time.

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