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Love & Life Romance & Relationships

Is It Meant To Be If He Broke Up With Me?

 

A breakup is an experience guaranteed to come with transition, reflection, and quite possibly a few shed tears, especially if you’re questioning whether or not your love was meant to be.

By: Ericka Jones

Whether the split was amicable or downright ugly, it can encompass a wide range of emotions that have the power to send you into a tailspin of worry and doubt. Maybe you were certain your relationship was ready for the next step or perhaps you were making plans for the upcoming holiday season. Before he spoke the inevitable words “We need to talk,” you were ticking off a mental countdown.


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Whether you were blindsided or finally hit with the truth, you might wonder if this breakup will be permanent. A breakup bears such finality, and yet, you still wonder if it’s meant to be. You may ponder if this is temporary, or if this is the start of a whole new chapter in your life.

Before you become bogged down by the weight of a breakup, consider this: Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How.

1. Who have I been in this relationship?

Consider what role your identity played in your union. Did you honor, respect, and love him during your relationship? And were you equally sensitive and discerning? In like manner, take a moment to consider the emotional place you were in during the length of your companionship. While crucial to your own wellness, the state of your mind and heart also play a significant role in how you treat your partner.

Action: Create a list of 5-10 words that describe your identity and take into account how these identities impacted your relationship.


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2. What areas caused strife or discord?

Identifying the red flags in your partnership can be enlightening, albeit difficult. Although prominent conflict is hard to miss, it’s the little things that often point to deep-seeded issues.

A friend of mine shared with me that if she ever made the slightest of mistakes, her husband would become accusatory and often corrected her. After years of being treated this way, she realized that any time she made an error, she would instinctively tense up in preparation for a tongue-lashing.

Her perspective later shifted when she learned that she was worthy of being treated with patience and kindness.  While there may be many contributing factors as to why her husband was quick to reprimand, it could have been simply that he wasn’t exercising patience or grace.

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When you understand and love who you are, you have the freedom to generously love others.

How often did you let your partner choose the radio station? Did you allow him to have a say in your date night plans? How seriously did you consider his request when he asked you to have dinner with his nagging mother? If you found that you were considerate, you have an incredible gift to honor and compromise! If you found that you were less than flexible, consider how you would’ve better included your significant other’s opinions in your decision-making.

Action: Little things point to big things. Take time to write down a few ‘little things’ that have created a pattern in your relationship. Reflect on what these little things mean on a larger scale.


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3. When did things change?

There are defining moments and there are gradual shifts that cause a change in a relationship’s direction. Identifying a big fight is easy. Figuring out what underlying emotions prompted the fight is a tad more difficult.

The big, the small and the in-between moments can all have both good and bad influence on a relationship. Anything from spending less time with each other to infidelity can create a divide and consequently, a relationship bears the weight of what’s taking place within and around it. Love and service, for example, can be found in small acts of high impact.

A couple I know, who have been married for 23 years, still make an effort to surprise each other. Once, while the wife was away on a birthday trip, her husband renovated the entire living and dining rooms which overwhelmed her with excitement and awe when she returned home. If, somewhere along the way, you stopped serving and pursuing one another, it could have caused a small but powerful change.

Action: Reflect on any defining moments and points of change in your relationship or consider what gradual shifts may have occurred in your time together. Creating a timeline outlining gradual shifts and defining moments in your union will help you to understand why things occurred when they did.

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4. Where was our relationship going?

Yes, he broke up with you, but did your relationship have a purpose? Was there a vision present in your union and is it really meant to be if you’re in a relationship for the sake of being in one?

A friend once told me about her breakup in which she and her boyfriend at the time mutually decided that they would split. They both felt that their being together made honoring their values difficult. They felt that they weren’t prepared, as individuals, for the plans they ultimately wanted to pursue as a couple. If the intent in your relationship has shifted to something you don’t ultimately want, consider why you’re intent on keeping the relationship alive.

Action: Did you and your ex agree on your relationship’s direction? Did you want the same things out of your relationship or did you want different things? Write down how you factored the future or long-term goals into your relationship. Did they match with his?




5. Why did he break up with you?

The “why” is always a tricky question. Considering why your breakup took place shouldn’t impose blame but should instead offer reflection. When your ex hasn’t offered any explanation about a breakup, you may feel helpless and confused. Other times, your significant other outlines in detail why he’s choosing to leave rather than to stay. Whether or not the reasoning behind a breakup is clear, you can evaluate your relationship by identifying behaviors that need correction.

Action: Map out what corrections you need to make as an individual regarding relationships and consider how your behavior (i.e. speech, actions, response) impacted your union.

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6. How am I going to move forward?

The power of meant to be lies in your decision to choose one another. Moreover, when two people vow to pursue and value each other, they are deciding to grow together, no matter the circumstances. Take time to assess where your emotional heart is and what the trajectory of your life looks like. Consider if the individual you’re vying for is the person you want to build a partnership with.


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Be honest with yourself and stick to the principles that you align yourself with.

The only solution to mending a broken relationship is the mutual decision to work for it and no matter how much you desire a relationship with someone, that desire has to be two-fold. Both people must share the work of building and pursing a relationship in order to work. If your ex isn’t ready or willing to dive back into a courtship, it may be time to have an honest conversation with yourself about moving forward alone. Ultimately, if you excuse the warning signs in order to keep a relationship, you may find yourself in a whirlwind of trouble.

Action: Pick yourself up and dust yourself off! You are not beyond repair and if you’re wondering whether your love is meant to be after a breakup, take the necessary steps to evaluate where you are and where your ex is. All in all, ask yourself if you and your ex’s individual goals and relationship goals are the same.

7. And Lastly…?

Take precaution with your heart and be intentional about who you allow to hold it.

A love lost is painful, and figuring out how that figures into your future can be equally as taxing. While obsessing over the details of your breakup is counter-productive, learning from them is life-changing. When you’re loving and truthful with yourself about whether your love is truly meant to be, you’ll fearlessly face the hard stuff with confidence. We learn through wisdom that some love is meant to be forever, whereas other love encounters are only for a season.

Allow yourself the time to glean wisdom from your relationship while being gentle with yourself along the journey! Looking at the big picture will catapult you into a new and fulfilling chapter of your life.

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Photos by: Kelsey Christine Photography

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