Has your romantic partner called you clingy, insecure, desperate, or jealous?
You know the situation: You always seem to be the one initiating the dates or the conversation. Or, you send a text (or five texts) and get anxious when they don’t respond within a certain time frame.
By: Ajableu Oldham
No one wants to admit that they’ve been there.
But if you find yourself constantly anxious or worried about your romantic partner, you may suffer from an anxious attachment style – or a fear of abandonment that is often rooted in childhood experiences.
What “Needy” People Really Need
Men and women who have this kind of attachment style are often called “needy” in their relationships.
In truth, people with an anxious attachment style are striving for connection and attention, which may come off as excessive texting. When things go too far, they might engage in strategic behaviors (make a partner jealous) to elicit proof of their partner’s affection.
These habits are grounded in intense longing for closeness.
Men and women who have this kind of attachment style have trouble balancing independence with closeness. Instead of being content and trusting when a partner takes space, they feel crippling anxiety when threatened with the possibility of abandonment.
What’s worse? People with anxious attachment styles often attract partners with avoidant attachment styles, because avoidant people evoke the reactions anxious people expect to feel in love. Yikes!
More on KimberlyElise.com: Does he respect you? Find out some tell-tale signs about your love interest’s true character.
Books To Read If You Struggle With Insecure Attachment Style
Overcoming attachment anxiety involves compassionate self-awareness. You must learn to recognize your negative thoughts or unhealthy behavior patterns and respond to them in a nurturing way—rather than beating yourself up.
In her book, Insecure In Love, Dr. Becker-Phelps provides a guide toward growing more secure in romantic relationships.
Secure love, she says, should be “earned” through openness and deliberate effort.
A how-to guide for relational self-improvement, Insecure In Love offers anyone the chance to reflect and consider how to be their best self in their romantic partnership.
It’s an easy, accessible introduction to attachment styles, what they predict, and how an individual might work to shift insecure habits toward more secure patterns.
Another book to read is Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
Focusing on the three main attachment styles (secure, anxious, and avoidant), Attached explains the biological facts behind our relationship needs and also teaches communication skills to breach these differences. The authors stress that:
Anxiously-attached individuals have unique capacities for intimacy, and should be very careful to select securely-attached partners.
Everyone is flawed, but you can still build yourself up to develop the confidence and qualities you wish to possess, rather than giving into every insecure thought or worry.
More On KimbrlyElise.com: Is it true love or just an attachment? Find out more here.
Do you have any tips on how to overcome insecurity with a partner? Share with us in the comments!