Ultimate Step-by-Step Guide to Getting Over Your Breakup
Love & Life Single-dom

Ultimate Step-by-Step Guide to Getting Over Your Breakup

Ultimate Step-by-Step Guide to Getting Over Your BreakupLove happens. So do breakups.

Sometimes you see the breakup coming months in advance; other times, it hits you like a car collision on an interstate freeway.

Regardless, breakups hurt. Bad. Research suggests that your brain processes a breakup similar to how it processes physical pain. People who are recovering from a breakup experience obsessive thoughts, partake in dangerous self-medicating behaviors, and even crave an ex in a way that resembles cravings for cocaine. So, how do we deal with it? This guide will help you officially get over your ex, and move on with your life. Doesn’t that just sound wonderful?

Alright. Breathe.

Let’s get started.


Ultimate Step-by-Step Guide to Getting Over Your Breakup


 1. Eliminate all contact with your ex.

This is the first and most important step to getting over your former beloved. It is essential that for the first nine to twelve months, you sever your connection with your ex.

Getting Over Your Breakup

Photo Source: We Heart It

  • Delete his or her number from your phone.
  • If you suspect that he or she will call, block his or her phone number.
  • Unfriend him or her from Facebook; stop following on his or her handle Twitter.
  • Throw away photographs around the house and remove all digital photos from your computer.
  • Stow momentos from the relationship in a box, and stick it in the attic.

Unfortunately, ending the connection can be exceptionally difficult.

After all, you shared a very special part of your life with this person. You made sacrifices for this person. Sometimes, the good outweighed the bad, right?

If you’re struggling with ending contact, remember this:

the problems that you had in the relationship will never, ever resolve.

Those problems were fundamental to the relationship; therefore, you needed to end. Your former lover came with his or her own baggage. And if you want to open yourself up to a new love and lifestyle, you have to let him or her go.

Are you still not convinced?

The hours you spend remaining in contact with an ex is wasted time. In a very real sense, you are holding onto dead energy.

It’s time to say a prayer and bury it.


2. Give yourself time to grieve

A breakup is a type of emotional death, and it deserves to be properly mourned.

According to psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These phases do not pass in neat steps; rather, we cycle through them over the course of the grieving cycle.

You will successfully reach the final phase of healing if you do not contact your ex.

If you continue to speak to him over the phone, browse his Facebook photos, or even chat with some of his friends, you will get stuck in one of the other phases – and being stuck in grief is worse than purgatory.

Give yourself space to be alone. It’s okay to take a day or so off work in the beginning, if you can allow it.

Do not use alcohol, drugs, sex, or any other kind of addictive substance to help alleviate the pain. Not only will you make the pain worse by burying it, you will begin to establish a dangerous pattern for yourself .

Just give yourself six to eight weeks to grieve.

Stay off the grid. Mope around on Saturday nights and watch Netflix. Talk in circles with your close friends or family. After about eight weeks experiencing melancholy, you’ll feel ready to move on and get back to your life.

3. Practice self-care

We hear a lot about self-care these days, but what is it?

Self-care is a set of soothing activities that promote strong health, internal well-being, and activeness. It includes soothing showers, shaving, spending a few days each week at the gym, daily yoga, or walking.

Ladies, have your hair professionally blown out. Men, take a trip to the barber.

Self-care is essential to moving forward. Step by step, you are moving into a new, purified space.

During your time in the gym, in the shower, or at the barber, clear your mind. Do not ruminate on what was. This is the space that you have given yourself to be free of all that — baggage. You are focusing on moving forward.


4. Cultivate a new identity

Breakups are painful largely because an important part of your identity has been lost.

The love that was shared has so much to do with who that person was, and what that person added to your life.

Now, he or she is gone, and without the support of a partner, it can feel like you are floundering.

In truth, this is an opportunity to cultivate a new identity for yourself.

The breakup might have exposed parts of your personality that were immature, needy, or unfulfilled. It’s time to work on that.

During your relationship, you might have neglected friendships, hobbies, habits, exercise, or skills. It’s time to work on that too.

It’s time to take a trip to Greece, to learn to cook, to focus on expanding your career. When you’re ready, join a dating website and get yourself in the game.

Getting Over  Breakup

Photo Source: We Heart It

Over the course of a year, you will come to realize that the time that you shared with your ex was an important part of your life, and the lessons learned have changed you fundamentally.

But things don’t end there.

When the time is right, you can open yourself up to a new romance who has the qualities that you want in a partner.

Perhaps you will find a new partner who is emotionally present, faithful, happier with his or her job, or doesn’t have “ex” baggage (to avoid developing your own ex baggage, see steps 1 – 3).

Perhaps after the course of a year, you can have coffee with your old ex, and maybe become friends.

But honestly, your focus right now is on moving forward with your life.

In addition to eliminating contact, cut back on talking about your ex with your friends, writing about him or her, thinking about the times your shared together. Don’t talk about him or her when you’re starting up a new relationship. All of these activities will set you back, and you want to move forward.

For further reading, we recommend Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliot or How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days by Howard Bronson.

For Kimberly’s thoughts breaking up with an ex husband or partner when children are involved, check out her How To Handle An Ex When You Have Children.




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  1. yotarsha jamison says:

    This is just what I needed. I really wish I could speak with someone more in debt about my situation……HELP!

  2. Lila says:

    Clearly some of these tips are for people who dont have kids together…it is surely not practical to sever all ties with an ex who is the father of your children.
    I do agree with some of the others …self care is essential as well as cultivating a new identity!

  3. Alissa G says:

    This is very good. But it seems like the goal here is just to forget him completely, which may be the goal but is very very hard. See I’ve been in a relationship for about 3 years now and we break up over petty things like arguments (we’re young, 20) but weve NEVER broken up longer then a month I mean NEVER in all 3 years, so our last break up was about 2 weeks ago, and I usually don’t really imply myself actually single because it hasn’t been a month, is that good or bad? But I’m feeling like this is it with us because of the way he’s acting towards me, I really don’t know what to do, I’ve become depressed, physically sick, and a whole lot of other things too. I just dont know what I am suppose to do or think because it hasn’t been a month but I’m literally dying.

    1. Bridgit says:

      Trust me, it’ll past…what you’re feeling is normal. Get up, and back into the swing of things….stay busy.

    2. Ajableu ( User Karma: 0 ) says:

      Hi Alissa, if you’re physically sick, you may want to see a doctor, or consider speaking with a therapist. Give yourself about 8 weeks of no contact and see how it goes, okay? Team Kimberly.

  4. Lorrenza says:

    Love you and love this. 2 years post breakup! I made it. Didn’t think I would ever make it through that pain. But, I did. Glory to God.

  5. Etoye Lucky says:

    Cool, your story is inspiring, great website. I am a 53 year old male, who still is working on a dream of being a filmmaker. I took all the films classes i could afford at this pointe, but know degree. I started to write my first screen play and put my dream in action. Thank you for sharing, and giving bach to the spirit of the dream.

    Etoye Lucky.

  6. Renee says:

    This sounds really great if you have no children by your ex. How do you move forward when you must communicate with your ex, It is very difficult

    1. Chantel says:

      I agree, moving on from your ex when you share a child is very difficult, especially if you still love him. How do you let go? How do you move on? How do you forgive and not be bitter for being hurt and being left with a broken heart?

  7. Shannon says:

    Thanks for the info u provided on breakups it was what I needed to hear…it’s been about 7 mths since my breakup and didn’t kno how to get past it. I thank u dearly…love ur movies by the way…

  8. Angela Carr says:

    I’m having such a hard time letting go of my kids father. I knew we were ending our relationship but in the process of all this he went and got married while me and his kids were still living there and me trying to find a place to stay. Then when the deadline came for me to be out his house his wife and her kids were moving in to the home where I shared with him and his kids.. This has been almost two years now and I am holding on to so much resentments anger hate feeling sorry for my self my kids. This is just some of the issues that I’m trying to get past. Can you help???

  9. wanda says:

    I am have not broken up with the person yet . I want to the only problem is I just moved south and I really don’t know that many people . he is the closes person I have right now . the hardest thing is that we live right in the same apartment complex
    Please help me

  10. Mrs.MisterSincere says:

    What if you have a child by the person you may need to break up with? How do you disconnect the sex, the feelings and emotions when a child is involved?

  11. chameka says:

    What about if you have a child. I can’t just get rid of all contact completely. My heart is very broken. Any suggestion on how to clear my mind of him and just focus on him being there for our child???

  12. Tonya says:

    I’ve noticed in past relationship that i lose apart of me everytime…im still learning to take care of self…I agree, you have to cut all ties…and move on with care,..

  13. Robin says:

    Its not easy but i have taken all these steps and i am starting to gain a little strenght a little motivation . Its almost been a year and i still love him but i hope i never see him ever again or his family. But i pray i heal so that i can move on.

  14. diazmauryn says:

    thanks alot this was so soothing.am glad there are people who wanna help even when they dont know what terrible things are happening in your life………thanks for the advice it really helped.

  15. Thank u Kimberly for the advise but what happen if it is a child father how do u get pass the feeling of have your child in a family with you the father and the child how to move on please email me back I Need help

    1. Ajableu ( User Karma: 0 ) says:

      Hi Trudyann – Check back in tomorrow for Kimberly’s thoughts on ending a marriage or partnership with children. She’s written a response for ya!

  16. Sonette Alexis says:

    Breaking up is hard to do especially when one is married and or ave children in the marriage. In many cases its the one who is causing the pain that have to walk away. Guilt plays a role in letting go especially for women. For me I felt that giving up would mean that I failed, even though my ex had long time abandoned our marriage. I suffered mental abuse and to me that is one of the most tragic experience anyone should have to go through. It takes resilience against the spirit of death and great deal of mental adaption in order to go on living. I felt guilty for the breakup, even though my ex was the one parading wit different women. I was the one hanging on, and even after the breakup I was still hanging on. First being sad and depressed, then by anger, resentment and bitterness. I used to tell myself; that I am not in love with him and he meant nothing to me, until I realized that I was holding onto him with bitterness and anger. Then I let go of the bitterness and anger.. I began to focus on good things that lifts my spirit. After four years I was able to receive love again. In relationships we have to listen to the words that aren’t spoken; deceits, unfaithfulness, arrogance, insensitivity, etc. Many times I asked the Almighty to take away the pain and when my ex showed me he wanted out of the marriage I held on tighter. This reminds me of something Tyler Perry said in this manner; “The thing that God is trying to take away from us, is what we hold on to.” (Something like that, lol). I am wiser through this ordeal.

    1. Ajableu ( User Karma: 0 ) says:

      Wow, that’s amazing, thanks for sharing. Check back in tomorrow for Kimberly’s thoughts on ending a marriage or partnership with children.

  17. Kim says:

    After 6:months you’ll feel like a whole new person. Thatscabout the time THEY will get in touch with you. Better than blocking their number get a new number and abtinr who isvfroejds too with your ex give them a text now number instead of your actual phone number-, trust me ex can call your number from another number. It won’t stop them but if you have gotten to six months and they contact you. Resist the temptation to converse with them. Get off phone quickly by saying you are busy and hang up. Block that nujber..

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